Wanderings #12
The Final Destination franchise, a softball epitaph, breast friends, talking about divorce and Hooptober!
Catching Up With The Naked Man Podcast
“It wasn’t until he stopped believing in me that I stopped believing in him.”
This week, I’m joined by fellow artist and courageous new friend, Marissa Wasseluk, to talk about the end of her 10-year marriage and where she's at in her journey to put herself first.
Marissa tells the story of the end, highlighting red flags along the way. In the midst of a pandemic and all the other insanity of the world, Marissa realized that they weren't in it together.
We talk about self-trust or lack thereof, boundaries or lack thereof, shaking anger, resentment, unfair expectations and the importance of friends to act as reflections. How outdated are marriage vows? How is the societal pressure and expectations around marriage toxic? Here's a hint: it encourages thoughts like, "I have to save my husband’s life or I’m a shitty wife."
Last Season on… The Missouri Waltz
A new softball season is upon us — they never stop, do they? — and before we can celebrate the arrival of Fall Ball, we have to reckon with the past.
When last we spoke of my fellow mustard and maroon marauders from Missouri, we were entering the B-League playoffs, hopeful of winning our championship in the Burbank softball league’s second highest division of play.
B-League Playoffs, Semifinals: Missouri Waltz vs. Balls Deep
This was a seesaw affair where everyone contributed, the kind of game that Little League parents dream of.
3B Kit Smith, quickly gaining a league-wide reputation as “The Vaccinated Nolan Arenado,” locked up his defensive player of the year trophy with multiple clutch plays and [ho-hum] added four hits and two RBI’s at the dish.
Danny Kelleher played incredible defense at second, showing off unbelievable range on one of those stupid, stubborn popups that seemed destined for the outfield green. Instead, he snagged the fly that everyone but him thought was going to drop.
I was paid to mention that catcher “Burt” Watkins had a clutch leadoff walk that undoubtedly inspired one of our best rallies.
1B Shawn Wines was the only player on our team not to make an out, going 2 for 2 with 2 BB’s.
LF Brant Malan hit two home runs, but you already knew that.
In the dugout, while we were up to bat, player-manager Jim Wolfe Jr.’s phone rang… and he answered. I don’t think anyone else noticed this, but in that moment, I questioned our fearful leader’s commitment and was already writing the Waltz’s epitaph. By the end of the game, I would have an answer to my question.
Going into the sixth inning we had a four-run lead, but it was hard not to wonder how many runs we had left on the board. Multiple rallies had ended abruptly with three straight outs.
When our balls-fixated opponent inevitably struck for four runs to nod the score at 12, this had all the makings of a game we’ve let get away from us in the past. Especially when we came away with no runs of our own in the bottom half of the sixth.
That brought us to the last inning, and our nemesis was threatening, all over the base paths. A ringing grounder was driven up the middle… but shortstop Dan Bence speared the ball like one of those nuggets of cheese on a charcuterie platter, took the ball himself to second, and rifled in time to get the hitter at first for a stirring double play. Dan punctuated the moment with a fiery cheer that had us bouncing into the dugout for our chance to punch our ticket to the championship. (God, it’s really hard not to be cliche when writing up sports.)
After a quick out to kick off the inning, “Mr. Marlin” Shawn Wines delivered the second of his clutch singles, turning the lineup over. After a fielder’s choice from Bence, we were one out away from blowing our chance at ending it right then and there. Were we doomed for extras, to give Balls Deep another chance?
Our version of Nolan Arenado, who’s actually allowed to go to Canada, stepped up to the plate, swung mightily… and hit a dribbler down the third baseline… the accidental bunt single of our dreams. Two on, two out and up to the plate stepped player-manager Jim Wolfe Jr.
This time, his phone wasn’t ringing, but his bat was— slicing a ball up the middle for a game winning walk off hit.
I’ll never question his commitment again.
B-League Championship: Missouri Waltz vs. Critters
After one inning, it already looked over. Our would-be rivalry with the Critters continued to be one-sided, and not on our side, as we dug ourselves into a 7-0 deficit that would make Scott Grimes proud. It certainly inspired the ire of our one fan in attendance, erstwhile RCF Brandon Klaus, who was out all postseason due to cowardice.
However, once our oven finally got preheated in the 3rd inning, we battled back, playing as good and complete as we had all year, making tremendous defensive plays all around the diamond. After that shite first inning, we outscored the Critters 19-13, but unfortunately, the first inning counts.
And sure, walk-off winner Wolfe Jr. continued his playoff dominance with a perfect 5 for 5 performance (with a team-high 4 RBI that Smith matched), it was the bottom of the order that took us to the doorstep of history. Wines and catcher Zachary Stevens went a combined 7 for 8 with huge two-out hits that either prolonged rallies or sparked them. For his part, Wines scored 3 runs and brought in 3 more, adding several massive out-saving picks at first base to boot.
A seven run fourth inning put us on top of the Critters, but they responded with a six run outburst of their own. Instead of wallowing, we added another 5 spot to our ledger. It was a back and forth contest from there on out.
Going into the 7th inning, we trailed 18-16, down to our final three outs. I’d regale you with the rally but… I didn’t take sufficient notes and this is getting too long already. We scored three runs to take the lead, 19-18.
In the bottom half, however, the Critters dispensed with the drama. They promptly scored two to walk us off, winning their second straight B-league championship.
But despite a tragic end to the season, spirits were high and most certainly imbibed.
Shortly after the game in the parking lot, it was reported that this was the last season of this iteration of the Critters due to a schism in the clubhouse (“We wish you had won” one of their players said, like an asshole). The gang was splitting up. You can look at it as: wow, we couldn’t beat a team that was divided and hated each other, or you can look it like our profound team chemistry and inspiring comeback effort left the Critters franchise with no other choice but to split up.
The Missouri Waltz get back to dancin’ tonight at 9 PM at Field #3 at Olive Park in beautiful downtown Burbank.
Ranking the Final Destinations
Oftentimes I feel like a not-real 90s kid because Devon Sawa did and does nothing for me (I’ve just lost half my subscribers). But perhaps that’s because going into this August, I had never seen a single film in the Final Destination franchise.
Then Lili and I watched all five films in a week and are forever changed for the better. Why?
“It’s how my mind works,” Lili said as I took a Trader Joe’s carnitas burrito out of the oven in-between writing this. By my count, there were at least 179 different ways I could’ve died in gruesome fashion during this 37 second interlude, most of them involving electrical outlets. (This is Us had to be inspired by the Final Destination franchise.)
As an anxious person, there’s something satisfying about being proven right: the world IS out to get you and all those pesky worst-case scenarios you spend sleepless nights worrying about? They all happen in Final Destination.
Sure, a homocidal maniac with their grisly weapon-of-choice is scary, but being stalked by DEATH ITSELF and being warned cryptically by Tony Todd beside the newly mangled body of your best friend? Well, these films aren’t as scary as that sounds, but I was shocked at how good these movies are at playing with tension, expectations and worshipping Rube Goldberg. Plus, who doesn’t like watching a bunch of idiot teenagers fruitlessly debate the order in which they’re going to die?
Onto the rankings:
5. The Final Destination (2009): “I was meant to see this movie!” — says someone about to die IN a movie theater. Never name your sequel “the final” unless you’re damn certain it’s going to be the end. Do we really believe Halloween Ends in a month? Not if it makes money, I don’t. This is the only film that doesn’t feature Tony Todd, showing a severe misunderstanding of a franchise that’s pretty easy to get. You need: pretty (bland) people, silly references to the number 180, familiar dangerous settings, CANDYMAN and that’s it.
4. Final Destination 2 (2003): “My ass is alive! It has been all day.” — says another someone about to die. This first sequel features a bigger budget, more creative kills and more boring actors than the original, but thankfully returns Ali Larter as Clear Rivers (lol). Question: Why do we allow “oversize” loads on highways? It’s in the fucking name. We’re literally admitting something is unsafe yet throwing them on one of the most unsafe places driven by some of the most overworked/exhausted drivers, just because it’s faster/cheaper. I’m sure that’s the only example of our country prioritizing money over the livelihood of its citizens.
3. Final Destination 5 (2011): This is weirdly the one I knew the most about going in because of its trailer. Acupuncture and gymnastics hijinks had somehow stuck with me for 11 years. Is it because acupuncture has never been covered by my health insurance that I’ve never tried it or because of that trailer? Ask me in another 11 years. Actually watching the sequences in their entirety, it was the gymnastics scene that wins the award for most uncomfortable watch, perhaps in the entire series. I bumped this up a spot EITHER for its brilliant ending or because I once interviewed the man who was in the acupuncture sequence, P.J. Byrne.
2. Final Destination (2000): The flight (180!) that started it all. A huge installment in the greater DCCU (Dawson’s Creek Cinematic Universe) thanks to the presence of the aforementioned Ali Larter AND my preferred sex symbol, Kerr Smith.
1. Final Destination 3 (2006): The best cast in the series after the original (Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Amanda Crew), this has a wondrously plotted opening on a rollercoaster. Freed from needing to jam Clear Rivers into the proceedings [unlike most slasher franchises, Final Destination doesn’t follow certain character(s)], it’s the pinnacle of what this franchise can do.
Final Destination is a glorious 2000s time capsule with 90s flair that made me feel surprised and grateful I’m still alive.
Buy Andy a Coffee!
(I’ll probably turn it into a reel.)
Art by Friendz!
“When a girl wakes up from having a breast reduction, she receives a letter from her breast tissue.” That describes the delightfully cute and emotional short film, Breast Friend. Written, directed and starring Aysha Wax, Breast Friend is already winning awards, snapping up the Best Animation Award at The Broad Humor Film Festival in Venice, CA. The adorable stop-motion animation is by Movies with Friend alum Elizabeth Hogenson (Dani) and is produced by Wanderings subscriber Sarah Hannah Bigle. Movies with Friends alum Maury Shessel is the film’s colorist. Breasty’s journey continues on to Memphis, Tennessee in October, where it will screen at Indie Memphis.
The Naked Man Podcast and Movies with Friends composer Robert Panico is back at his gleeful mash-up shenanigans with “A Few Good Liars,” combining A Few Good Men and Liar Liar:
Happy Hooptober!
The last few years I’ve attempted and succeeded to watch 31 horror movies during October. Last year I upped the ante by turning my obsession and love of horror into a TV show. I’m still recovering.
I was inspired to go nuts in part by Cinemonster, who started an annual horror movie watching marathon on the Letterboxd app in deference to director Tobe Hooper (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Poltergeist) called… Hooptober.
This year marks the ninth iteration of Hooptober, titled Hooptober Neun! From Outer Space. Each year comes with a specific set of rules/guidelines that your movie selections must satisfy. If you want to play along, here they are:
There must be 31 films
6 countries
8 decades
2 insect centered films
1 horror film set in space or the future (relative to when it was released)
2 animated films
1 bloodthirsty old person/people film
2 1970s regional US films (Thanks Sean Young)
The worst horror sequel from the 1990s that you haven't seen and can access. (I realize that this will take a little work)
1 German Silent
5 Films from David Cronenberg, Ti West, Bill Rebane, Charles B. Pierce, William Grefe and/or Joy N. Houck Jr.
2 Christopher Lee films
1 film with a musician or band in it (A real life musician or band)
1 Stephen King adaptation that is not the first go around.
1 Lon Chaney film. (NOT JR)And 1 Tobe Hooper Film (There must ALWAYS be a Hooper film)
My list of 34 films can be found here. The films I’m most excited to see are:
Andy Warhol and Paul Morrissey’s porn-y double feature Flesh for Frankenstein and Blood for Dracula
My Basket Case hero Frank Henenlotter’s Frankenhooker
The 1928 silent German expressionist film The Man Who Laughs (below) that apparently inspired the Joker character